Presently, as I start this blog article, it’s 03:36 on Thursday the 3rd of September in 2015, the 19,629th day of my life and I’m already feeling a bit rattled. I went to bed yesterday before the sun went down, perhaps in the 17th hour of the day (5pm) and pretty much slept until half past two, an hour and half ago. Yesterday was not a good day, the second fucking Monday in a row kind of Tuesday, a tough and difficult day for both my family and myself. Without going into details, because I have to abide by a non-disclosure statement, I have to be up in San Francisco for an 11:00 meeting that I am not looking forward towards. I can be forthright in telling you that one of my anxiety/PTSD triggers is driving in heavy, congested urban traffic and another one is dealing with financial matters. Both of these triggers are at risk for me tomorrow and though typically I would have someone to drive me around in situations like this, tomorrow I don’t have that option. After trying all day to make arrangements of some kind, as well as distracted by the very fact that our little VW is in need of some repairs which we’ve yet to make, I was a ball of stress who felt like shit so I popped a couple of sleeping pills (Ambien), took a 1mg pill of Klonopin (to manage anxiety) and took myself out of the game for the rest of the day. This was for everybody’s sake because I was a mess and afraid of taking it out on others, I call it defense (others call it avoidance). Whatever it is, it works for me because right now I don’t feel so bad. I’ve had a chance to think and rethink, to dream a little about this matter and after I mediated, I feel at ease with a plan.
Mediation has been teaching me to remove the ego in my Life, in all situations when I take the “me” factor from the situation, everything somehow seems to become clearer. I gain a new understanding of the matter and a resolution almost presents itself with my even having to try thinking about it…I can’t describe the process or feelings I have, it’s a bit like trying to describe an LSD experience or orgasm, it’s a unique experience. The results, however, are simple because they manifest as action or results in life, no need for words, just look and see…such is the matter for me today. I have come to the absolute conclusion that the best remedy for me is to get myself out the door very early, on my way via Amtrak to San Francisco and then back home again. I would still enjoy a companion, someone to keep me grounded and in my life nobody does this better than my youngest daughter, Maggie…however she does have school and so I don’t want her to miss something important on my behalf, so she may not go along with me…but I’ll ask, if she can that’s great but if not, then so be it…perhaps I’ll just need to be alone because there’s a lesson in that as well!
Today being Throwback Thursday and all, I am going to leave you with a snapshot from a few years ago of my daughter Maggie and I when she was about 4 years old and we were playing dress-up one day…she was in love with Woody, the cowboy character from “Toy Story” and on this particular day I was the father of the bride! I do wish everyone a great day…I hope all things are good and beautiful wherever you may be and always remember to be well and stay safe!
Peace,
d’Philip
03 September 2015
The San Joaquin Valley
Republic of California
Earth
