Getting It Off My Chess

When I was a child I played a lot of chess. I quickly understood that since there’s only about 40 different moves in every game of chess, only so many moves could ever be made in a single game. I think quickly, very quickly, too quickly…it’s a symptom of my BiPolar. I knew everything in chess is cause and effect so I imagined all the possible moves I could make, all the possible moves the opponent could make, all the potential results of each move and calculate the entire game inside my head within the first 3 or 4 moves of any game. I was in the chess club at a couple of the schools I went to, it was a way to meet other kids. I didn’t care about the game, I just wanted to meet other kids so every time I started at a new school, I joined a chess club first. But I didn’t play chess like the other kids, I didn’t use a book of strategies, I didn’t learn the names of each move, I ignored the suggestions of the teachers who sponsored the groups. I just quickly imagined everything inside my head and played for fun. I always won. It made the kids like me, they called me “Bobby Fischer” at one school and it always started out well. Invariable, however, there came a point when it was not such a clever novelty, but I was a revered rival to all. I was the kid to beat, I was unbeatable and everyone wanted to try. I was simply thinking through the game, it was just natural for me. I did it without effort, like the way anyone might naturally understand how to do something physically, like an athlete knows how to run or a vocalist has perfect pitch, it just came to me. But in the 8th grade I stopped playing chess. I knew what moves would be made if I joined any more chess clubs, so I never joined them again. To this day I still won’t play very often…only with people I really love or respect, only for fun and only one game at a time. I play to teach my children, for example, but my wife will NEVER play me again and most of my friends only play me once…but the significance of this antidote is that sometimes winning is a complete drag.


This week and last week have been challenging, each in unique ways for me. Last week it was an emotional battle, gripping with psychological triggers and prone to bouts of sadness, angst and even some anger too. This week has been a physical struggle, my strange laceration and abrasions in my stomach, apparently caused by some kind of sharp foreign object I ate…aside from the randomness of this illness, it too played with my anxieties because I was afraid it was way worse. Both the past few weeks, however, I have gained some positive things from, I have learned something about myself and even got a pleasant surprise as the result of an unpleasant EGD procedure. The first week I learned that I am stronger than I think because I was able to get what I needed in the business matters. Despite the long, difficult journey to San Francisco and back I managed that too, I did it and that is an accomplishment for me. My physical ailments, although they kept me in pain and discomfort for several days, I also survived the experience. In sticking the tube camera down my throat (scraping the hell out of it) to get a look at my inner stomach and GI tract, we learned that not only did I have no visible ulcers, I had an amazingly few polyps, fatty deposits or other odd things! When the blood and biopsy results came in later in the week, it only confirmed the prognosis, I have a very sound digestive system!



These two thoughts relate together because although I enjoy figuring out all the angels, knowing how the game will go down and giving thought to my responses, the best game is life because it cannot be planned for, it cannot be thought out and sorted so I can plan each move. I enjoy the random events that come along so much more than the things I plan to do…when the plans I make are turned or twisted by the random events that come along, this is when I feel most challenged, most alive. Today I am doing some simple chores around the farmhouse and tonight I hope to have a quiet evening alone. There’s been talk about going to Monterey or Santa Cruz on Sunday, but the weather is not looking favorable for the beach (I’d be willing to go so I could get a tan standing in the California rain)! We also considered a trip to the mountains, but the wildfires are preventing our safe passage. I want to go to Berkley, there’s a groovy concert going on and the weather will be partly cloudy and cool. Nobody else wants to do that and it’s too far to struggle with going alone. The heat has been tough, we need someplace to go splash and at this point, I’m considering an over night stay at the Best Western with the pool! That’s silly, I know, but I just want to go swimming!



I’m working on a few things, like I said, domestic tasks like fixing up a kitty sanctuary in the tool shed…doing some deep cleaning in the bedrooms, laundry and dishes…my mother is coming in 2 weeks, she always brings her white glove and wooden spoon, so the place should be “Mother-In-Law” clean! I’m also tinkering with video, thinking about love, lust, desires and fears and hoping to be alone later to delve into these matters through my work on the next book or the one I started for after that…but I need some create space, I’m feeling like I’ve been doing things for everyone all week long, despite my own health issues and I deserve some private space. I like few things more than being by myself in my little “dSpace” studio…writing, playing music, recording video.philes or just imagining what is and what could never be…I like being that me. I need that me to come hang out with myself, he’s cool and knows how to make me feel better. I need to feel better too, I’m healing and on the mend, but I need to feel better in my heart and soul…other than sex, art is the only thing that does that for me!


Okay, well…this has been written “on the fly”…sitting down to write a few thoughts, getting up to do something productive…coming back again, writing something…you know, right? I have a couple of bigger things to do too, some chores which require help (I’m a badass, but flipping a king size mattress kicks my ass)…I presently have a couple of available helpers, so I should make the most of their kindness, yes? I wanted to post a blog that wasn’t such a stiff, trying to be all serious and shit like the one I posted yesterday…I wanted to just be me. The simplest me, it’s all I can manage today. Depending on how the plans unfold for tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll be around much until later on Monday. I have a doctor’s appointment, a quick follow-up in the morning then I’ll be posting “The Monday Show” on the youtube and hanging out for a while…Next week I have a couple of gigs too, on Tuesday and Friday…both are in the morning, both are not too far away and both at educational associations so there’s little pressure and it’s an easy peasy gig for me. I enjoy talking with people in the educational industry, they always ask insightful questions and they’re friendly, feed you well and the pay is generous. They don’t buy many books, however, which is actually the reason I am there…I have to ramp that shit up, but please don’t get me started thinking about that…it’s honestly time for me to go and get back to work again!

Thanks for reading me, hope you’re having a splendid day and delightful evening!


Take good care, be kind and stay safe!

Peace,
d’Philip
12 September 2015