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| John & Yoko, Trucking in the 70's... |
Often, in days of late, I have been feeling this urge to “move on” from my present place to someplace else…I’m not sure if “place” is even the right word, perhaps a better term might be “position” but it’s a feeling that hasn’t got a name just yet. I’ve had this feeling before, many many times before in my fifty odd years on the planet and most often simply attribute these notions to my wanderlust spirit of being Sagittarius…in fact, ALL my signs are in The House of Sagittarius, I’m a poster boy archer for that fucking zodiac sign! I have visited many places in the United States (44 states, so far) and I’ve relocated and resided 46 times in 14 different cities in 9 different states on both sides of the country, next to both oceans, in the Dixie south and far north woods but the place I most feel at home is on the west coast in the area between Northern California and Mid-Oregon, even though I was born in Chicago, Illinois I have never felt at home residing anywhere near that city or state. The happiest days of my youth were in those years we lived in San Francisco just before the parental units divorced and the first/only time I felt like I was doing the exactly right thing when I was a young adult, was during 1980 when I lived outside Portland, Oregon and spent time looking for Ken Kesey inside The Grateful Dead community. Since then, for a long time, it was all downhill.
Naturally this “wandering behavior” has been discussed numerous times in the context of psychotherapeutic discussions with various therapy professionals but I don’t think any of them understood these feelings I was describing. I’ve been told that my lack of roots is rooted in my childhood, my father was climbing the corporate ladder which caused us to relocate 8 times before I was 12 years old. That therapist claimed I had inability to set down roots because of my childhood but upon my own consideration, I decided she was wrong. I do have roots, I have long term friendships across the country/world and I certainly know where I came from and who my family is; in my conception of reality, it the core seed of all roots. Know thyself, love thy family and all that, these are my roots. Being part of the same community, the same workplace or set of friends is fine and well, it works for many people but it’s certainly not the sole definition of what “roots” are; it could be argued that staying in the same place, the same job, the same friends is both stagnation and could easily limit one’s ability for growth, change and adaptation. Another therapist told me that I moved so often because I was running from myself and that no matter how many times I moved, I wouldn’t feel any happier as a result of relocation…the change is within me, she said, I didn’t like me but moving gave me the opportunity to “remake” myself. I didn’t need to think about that suggestion, before the end of the session I told her I knew I liked myself more than I liked her and since I was planning to move next week anyway, this was our last session. No, the answer to the question of why I like to wander cannot be answered in therapeutic terms, not for me anyway. It’s my soul, I have a freedom of spirit which I’ve cultivated and nourished because, in more ways than not, it defines who I am. Perhaps this is why The Grateful Dead song “Truckin” rings true for me;
“You're sick of hanging around, you'd like to travel
Get tired of travelling you want to settle down
I guess they can't revoke your soul for trying
Get out of the door, light out and look all around
Sometimes the lights all shining on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been
Truckin' I'm a going home
Whoa, whoa, baby, back where I belong
Back home, sit down and patch my bones
And get back truckin' on!"
Things got better last year when we finally left Illinois (for my very last time, I swear) and came here in to California…but after a year now, it’s still not feeling exactly right, dig? I’m happier, I adore California but it’s not as “green” as I like (partly drought, partly location in The San Joaquin) and I’m rather under-impressed with both the politics and social climate here where we reside…we have a few acres in the mountains to the east, near Yosemite but it’s not habitable presently and again, we’re not comfortable with the economy, social climate and quite frankly, the expenses of a California Life. I know it’s perhaps the most expensive of the lower 48 states, especially along the coastline, but even here in The San Joaquin, shit is way over-priced! The annual fee to register our vehicle, for example, is almost $200 (twice that of Illinois) and the average gallon of gasoline is about $3.25; we’re leasing a very modest 3 bedroom farmhouse, over 100 years old and without air conditioning on the second floor (where the bedrooms are located) is almost $1k/month, not including the utilities (another $500/month) and other living expenses ($500/month). The only thing we get significantly cheaper is fresh fruit, veggies and cannabis! Yes, California is expensive and we knew that coming out here, that’s not my bitch really, we’re affording our life as well as we did in Illinois, but our much greater investment is not really worth the returns we’re seeing…are they?
This is the way I am, I know it and I’ll most likely be the way for the next half of my life, but I am starting the feel this need to “nest”, to establish a place where eventually I’ll live out the rest of my days…I yearn for my final home, at least, the last area where I’ll reside because after a half century of calling nowhere home, I’d like to comfortably say I am from somewhere…I thought it was California but now I’m not so sure, perhaps California is simply a great place for me to visit now. I lived in L.A. for a couple of years back in 1981-83, but I didn’t feel like I fit into that scene. San Francisco has been and always will be my favorite city, but I’m not a very good city dweller. The notion of California being my final location is not ringing true anymore, not as I imagined it would and now that I’ve been invited to Eugene, Oregon (a place I’ve been to, loved and always said I’d return but haven’t since ’80) I’ve been imagining an Oregonian Life and I like it, so far, I am enchanted by the possibility. Funny thing too, this is where Ken Kesey came from, it’s where he left the planet too…so, hell yeah, I’m intrigued! We won’t be visiting Eugene until the end of September or early October, if this opportunity works out mutually for myself and this alternative learning center, I won’t start until after the first of next year…but it got us looking, taking an on-line informational journey to learn about the area and so far everyone in the family is excited…they even asked me why we didn’t just move from Chicago to Oregon instead of California?!?
On this final Monday of July in 2015, as the sizzling sun scorched ground around me radiates a golden heat I get this itch in my feet to get on the road again. Next weekend the family is going to San Francisco for “Jerry Day” (a free music event in celebration of the music of Jerry Garcia) on Sunday but we’re going to head up to The Bay early Saturday morning to have some “urban time” before school starts and life gets complicated as this bumpy year treads endlessly onwards. I am looking forward to the next step in this journey, be it here in California or north in Oregon; either way, I’m sure to find a suitable place to rest my bones before I get back truckin’ again! I’ve been trying for years to stay put, so like the song says, they can’t revoke my soul for trying!
Peace,
d'Philip
27 July 2015
The San Joaquin Valley
Republic of California
Earth
