I Listen To the Wind…

In the deepest part of my darkest forest, where the goblins of my being thrive on the lies I used to tell…where the gilded lily white innocent child burns in hell, I stash my most precious gifts. It’s a nasty and foul smelling swamp of ill repute, murky and slimy with thick damp moss covering the trail and making one slip on the course, hard rocks. The rivulet that ripples like a babbling brook is subterfuge for a rapid and jagged rip-tide that can sweep the most powerful of invades off their feet and streaming towards oblivion over the endless waterfalls of my sadness. Caves riddled with wicked webs and bats hanging like a thousand nervous leaves ready to fly; long centipede looking insects with thousands of legs squiggling in a corkscrew direction across the narrow path before the rickety, twisted old rope bridge crosses the chasm of that void where my feelings used to be…one tries to reach that one single, glorious little plant growing and glowing in the darkness over the many treasures of my dearest, most precious of passions…This is where I keep my Deepest Loves and My Sacred Soul of Time. Few have been to this place inside me, few have the skills or time to get to know me this well.  I guided only one soul to the part of my emotional topography but four others have been simply born into this place. I put these elements here because they are most safe, nobody can take them from me, no matter what…and knowing this, believing this, I find a simple, sense of peace.

I have been getting really bummed about all the hogwash, fear mongering, cop killing civilians and the Rise of Anarchy shit that’s been going down…man, I know it, I see it and yeah, fuck yeah it’s a scary thing, I dig that…but truthfully, it’s all starting to be nothing more than more bullshit in my stream of life. I am very upset about so many issues we’re facing and as a life-long activist for so many issues (mostly humanitarian/homeless/crime victims), I truly want to work towards a resolution for everyone. I also know, all too well, about the Ponzi game of our entire economic and political system, both here in The United States and around the world; we are all fucking peasants as far as I can see! The wars waged for no good reason, the rape of the planet and her limited resources, the disparage and hate that is perpetuated in so many facets of everyday life; the breakdown of the collective American psyche is in a perpetual fugue state of psychosis. Yet, very few notice and the ones that do, we’re marginalized…it’s sickening, it’s maddening and quite frankly, it’s no wonder I’m fucking considered 5150 Certified Insane, because then there might be hope for me in the insane world we’re all living through…believe me, with Madness comes a Clarity Few Can Imagine!

I am simply going to focus on developing that little plot of land our family has in the Sierra mountains and maybe finish my publishing obligations as soon as possible so that I might have a better opportunity to duty now for the future. I might suggest you too do the same, but people will do what they do and that’s that, dig? We have a little plan for ourselves, we’re taking actions for the benefit of our little collective community and I imagine over the next year or so, we’ll be in the position to actually occupy our community. I could go on telling you about the plans and all that, but in truth, I wouldn’t want the responsibility myself. I can only think about my own, about the few others close to us and how we can sustain ourselves, one way or the other, into the uncertain future. You could easily accuse me of being one of those “doomsday preppers” and I wouldn’t argue, why bother? What you might not consider, however, is one way or the other…if there is a “doomsday” to prep for and we have some kind of apocalyptic upheaval…or, as I tend to hope, there is no “doomsday”, just a future which is going to look very different than the present reality we’re living in now. Things change, life is always about change and change itself is never hard…resisting change is hard, adapting to change is a challenge but that’s the wheel…it goes around, each time going a little further down the road, right?

The end of the end is the beginning again and this is where I’m finding myself today, one hot, sizzling afternoon in late July. I got a phone call from an organization in Eugene, Oregon today inviting me to consider a teaching position and once I talk with the family, we may take a ride north (about 8 hours from here) for a little “look-see” and long weekend get-away. Make no mistake, I adore California and consider it the home of my soul…but this is not so true for the rest of my family. My wife has had a life-long, irrational fear of living in California, she’s got “sesmiphobia” (fear of earthquakes, with good reason) and in The San Joaquin Valley, aside from this awful drought, there are very limited economic and social opportunities for both my wife and son. Our daughter, who enjoys school and is an excellent student, will not get the academic opportunities in this local school district if only because the funding resources are not available to her district. Then there’s the politics of California, almost as crooked as Chicago and twice as weird. So, although we have some land here, we’re not planning on living on it for a while and at least in Oregon cannabis is 100% legal, both for medicinal and recreational purposes. Besides, it’s Ken Kesey’s hometown so it can’t be half bad, right?

I am wandering and meandering through my thoughts without really finding much substance to share…I’ve not been feeling the “G+ Vibe” much today…I volunteer to serve the homeless on Wednesday mornings and other than giving them food, clothing or supplies all I can really ever do to help them is simply listen. They have stories, they have lives that have been lost and many of them, amazingly, still hold to a thin rope of hope that someday they’ll get up and fly away…Fly away, that’s how I feel today. I wish I were Free As A Bird to soar among the clouds when I feel like this, I’m feeling sad and sort of unable to help anyone. All I can do is listen, really, just let people say what they need to say and respect them for that, it’s all I can do and it’s got to be enough. For today, for right now, it has to be enough because I don’t have endless resources, I can’t change society and make it so these people have homes, food, shelter, employment, medical attention, help…Help on the way, it’s the best I can do today. I have a couple of other friends too, people that I know who are also going through some mighty fucked-up situations and it’s important to me to be a friend, a good friend for them also…but today, all I can do is simply listen. Right now, in fact, I listen to the wind…