End of The End

"End Of The End"

At the end of the end

It's the start of a journey

To a much better place

And this wasn't bad

So a much better place

Would have to be special

No need to be sad

On the day that I die I'd like jokes to be told

And stories of old to be rolled out like carpets

That children have played on

And laid on while listening to stories of old

At the end of the end

It's the start of a journey

To a much better place

And a much better place

Would have to be special

No reason to cry

[Whistling]

On the day that I die I'd like bells to be rung

And songs that were sung to be hung out like blankets

That lovers have played on

And laid on while listening to songs that were sung

At the end of the end

It's the start of a journey

To a much better place

And a much better place

Would have to be special

No reason to cry

No need to be sad

At the end of the end

Paul McCartney, 2007

In the front yard on 28 December 2015

This Paul McCartney song, from 2007’s “Memory Almost Full” (which spells out “FOR MY SOULMATE LLM”) is a befitting song to set the tone for this final blog article in this “My BiPolar Reality Dispatch” because, like in the song itself, it’s a simple request to not be sad, there are no tears…the end is simply a beginning to something else new. It was not by fate but design this end of the blog comes at the end of year either, it’s been my intention all along to be finished with the promotion of my most recent book “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…” by the end of 2015; that was stipulated in the publishing contract. I didn’t mind too much, most of the time it wasn’t very hard and I did a decent job of it or so they say (we sold almost 3,000 units in the first year, not too bad)! The issue of mental health, in particular the needs of the bipolar community, will always be a concern of mine but honestly, I’m looking forward to distancing myself from this topic…it’s become something of a mask, an identification of me or who I am which I don’t much care for; I’m feeling a bit pigeon-holed and I don’t like it!

High Noon on 29 December 2015...

I hate labels, I never use them and despise being assigned a label…especially a label that just says “Crazy Author” or worse “Disabled Old Dude”! That’s not me, not at all. I may have bipolar disorder but I am not crazy, not disable and not defined by that illness…are people with diabetes or cancer somehow labeled too? Is a cancer patient a “carcinogenic creature”? I have experienced troubles in dealing with my illness, but I don’t view myself as a “victim” because, to me, that isn’t a winning strategy. Along with complaining, acting from the position of victim makes me a weaker individual. I see myself as handicapped and therefore I am handicapped; it’s a Zen thing, really, but I cannot see myself as being anything less than an individual with choice, power and a strong will to survive and Love. When I’m thought of as being “an author who suffers from a mental disorder” it puts me in a box, a box that I don’t belong in and it makes it more difficult for other to see beyond that label.

Worshiping the Sun on 30 December 2015...

So I’m glad to be done with the promotion of this book, I can start to distance myself from that perception. The other thing about that book, it being something of an autobiographical tale, it really exposes a lot about me. If one were to read this book, you would know some very intimate things about me and there are some who think that makes me vulnerable; I have had people, quite honestly, people who literally wanted to hurt me and tried to use the material in “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…” against me. I would not have put something in the book if I couldn’t be responsible for it, I am accountable for my actions, my mistakes and transgressions and therefor, they’re powerless against me. If anything all those issues are practically badges of honor to me, I fucking own them and there’s nothing anyone could do that would damage or diminish me in any way. But people try nonetheless, even if they never read the book and they only heard me at one of those events, there are people who try to use my words or thoughts against me somehow. I suppose that might be true no matter what I write, but at least with a work of fiction, there is a sense of plausible deniability; it’s not really truth, only a story.

Playing music with the birds at sunrise on 31 December 2015

As for “The End of The End” for this blog series, this is it, the final article. As I stated, the primary intention of “The BiPolar Reality Dispatch” (this blog) was to promote the book and extend the subject matter beyond the extent of the book…to this aim I must admit, I haven’t stuck to my original intentions. I drifted, I went off subject, I let my imagination ramble…but this is, in a large part, what living with this disorder is like for me; I do what I need to do so that I can manage, so I can survive. If that means delving into subjects like The Grateful Dead or my fantasy realms, then so be it…Like John Lennon and Elton John sang so long ago, “Whatever gets you through your life, it’s alright, it’s alright!” and that’s some good advice for me! In this series I have tried to explain by way of example how I have managed to get on with things, despite whatever ailments, tragedies or obstacles befell me, I have persevered and stayed as strong as I can be…it’s not easy, it’s not fun sometimes, but it can be done. I did it, I’m nobody special, just a guy with a strong desire to live a happy life. That’s all it takes, for me, that’s all I need…I believe in my abilities. I don’t “give it to God” because, if there is a God, I’m pretty sure there are far more pressing issues to deal with than my paltry problems. Besides, I feel like if I “give it to God”, it’s a way of avoiding my own responsibilities and abilities; giving to God would be absolving myself of needing to be accountable for my own actions, thoughts, emotions, decisions and desires. That’s not me, that’s not my style and I’d rather God keep focused on REAL issues, not my silly little problems…there’s a John Lennon song for that too, “God” and in the song, after declaring that he doesn’t believe in ANYTHING, John sings “I just believe in me…” which rings truth in my experience too. I believe in myself, more than any deity or iconic faux celebrity or movement or belief system…I believe in myself and NOTHING can stop that…but even more importantly, it’s worked for me. The proof is in the pudding and the pudding is my happiness; I am a fucking very happy person!

Focused on 2016...

Somehow I know there will be more to say, there always is for me and to that aim, sometime after I get a good start on the next couple of projects, once the family has again relocated, perhaps by Spring of ’16, I’ll come back with a new blog series. It won’t be like this blog, yet because it’s me, it’ll be similar and I’m sure I’ll again meander from the original path of my intentions. In conclusion I do want to express my most Grateful appreciation for your support and readership, it means a lot to me! I do hope you’ll stay in touch, the easiest way to do that is either subscribe to my blog or YouTube channel or simply send me an email (dphilip.chalmers@gmail.com) and I’ll keep you informed. As for this moment, this is it…The end of the end, it's the start of a journey to a much better place and a much better place would have to be special…no reason to cry, no need to be sad at the end of the end.

The Yuletide Moon

The First Yuletide Moon since 1977...

This Christmas we are treated to a rare “Yuletide Moon”, a full moon occurring on Christmas for the first time this century; there have been only 3 since 1900, the last one in 1977 when I was 16 years old. I do remember that Christmas, not because of the full moon but because of something as rare; the love I shared with my best friend, Todd Kasmark. That Christmas was a strange one because it was the first time I didn’t share the holiday with my kid brother, he had moved to Colorado to live with our father the previous June. The other curious thing about that Christmas was Todd celebrating with my family; his father was overseas on business so my mother insisted Todd spend the evening with us and Todd didn’t object! Mom was flying to Denver on Christmas Day to visit my brother but I had a job and my band had a couple of gigs, so I was staying home alone. Not quite alone, Todd was staying with me too and he rode to the airport with me when I dropped mom off in the morning. That afternoon, after we had set up a little recording studio in my mother’s living room, Todd and I got really stoned before we jammed. The weed was from a girlfriend of Todd’s who lived in California, she sent him a fat bag of stuff from Hawaii which was far more potent than the stuff we were used to in hokey-pokey suburban Chicago in the late 70’s…so only one joint rocked our socks off!

Todd, Gino and I in the garage, 1977...

It was easy to play music with Todd, we had a synchronicity between us which I have since learned, is very rare among musicians, it’s rare among most other people too but when we were 16 years old, neither Todd nor I knew the difference. It was just how we were and we never questioned it, never expected it to be any different…we’d been best friend since we were 12 years old, this was second nature in our relationship. We jammed for hours, not stopping, not taking a break, just playing with each other and having a grand time, one of those times of childhood that remains part of one's life for a very, very long time. 

Frozen Chicago at Christmas...

That Christmas Day it was very cold outside, the wind was brutal and gusty so when Todd finally had to go outside for a cigarette, I insisted he stand inside the garage. I did not smoke but I kept him company and while we stood inside the small one car space with the garage door half way open, he asked me a question I have never forgotten; Todd asked, “That Full Moon up there, it’s a rare thing on Christmas…” Todd kept looking at the full moon as it hung big and bold in the crystal clear, bitter cold Christmas sky, “The next one isn’t for like 35 or 40 years…what do you plan to do with your life between now and then?”

         “That’s deep, a big question…” I too looked up the moon and imagined for a moment, what will my life be like in 40 years? Where will I be, what will I be doing? I gazed a moment more and then answered my best friend’s big question, “I think I’ll essentially be who I am now…people don’t change a lot over their lives, they change their behavior, they change their choices, but the person is more or less the same person…but what do I plan to do? I want to live in California, I want to go back there again, that’s where I belong, that’s where it feels like home. I will be an artist…maybe a musician, maybe a writer…I want kids, 3 or 4 of them…a lovely wife maybe, a little cabin in the mountains maybe…” I paused and looked at my old ’68 Chevy Impala and chuckled, “A reliable car for sure!”

          “Yeah, right?” Todd tossed his cigarette outside and shrugged, “But at least you’ve got a car now!”

          “What about you Todd?” I asked as we walked back inside, “What are you going to between this Christmas Full Moon and the next one?” 

          “I won’t be here…” Todd closed the door behind us as I took off my jacket and picked up my bass, Todd did the same and continued to answer my question with a depressing answer, “I don’t think I’ll live to see 22 years old!” 

          “No, you’ll be here…whatever!” I flipped the guitar strap over my shoulder and turned on my amp, “In 40 years we’ll be old men together, maybe we’ll both live in California, but we’ll still be friends, we’ll always still be friends…right?” 

          “For as long as I live…” Todd sat down and turned his amp on too, “Let’s write something new!” 

         “I don’t have anything new to work on…” typically when Tod and I wrote music together one of us would have a chord progression or a lick of lyric to start with, but not this time. We both had nothing new on the mind, nothing new to bring to the table, “I don’t know where to start!” 

         “Nor do I…” Todd said and then strummed a diminished A chord, a D minor and then an E minor while he started singing made up words, “You don’t know where your life is going, nobody does, nor do I…” 

         “You don’t know what our love is growing…” I sang the next made-up line and plucked along on the bass, “…but nobody does, nor do I…” 

         “In many years you’ll whisper for me, you don’t hear, nor do I…” 

         “Too many tears you’ll whimper for me, nobody cares, nor do I…” 

         “Dude, write this down!” Todd stopped playing and busted out laughing, “We make up songs without even trying, classic!” 

        “What were the words again?” I laughed as I grabbed my ever present notebook and pen, “Nor do I…I remember that part…something about not knowing where life is going, what love is growing…what?” 

         “Whatever, it doesn’t matter…” Todd played a power chord and broke the mood, “I don’t remember!” 

         “Nor do I!” we both laughed at the little pun and then we started jamming on an old song we wrote a few years before, an anti-nuclear energy song called “The Powers of the Sun” and before too long it was hours later and we were both tuckered out, I took off my axe, “Man, this was great…but I am dead beat tired and wasted…I need to sleep for a spell.” 

         “Me too, I’ll call you later?” Todd left his equipment and pulled on his parka, “Thanks man, this was the best Christmas ever, really…the fucking best one since I was a kid!” 

         “Me too, I loved it too…” I walked my friends to the door, “Call me, maybe 4 or 5 hours?” 

         “Right on…” Todd tipped his hat as he stepped out into the dark night and ran next door, home. I watched him from the living room, he smiled at me before he went inside. I turned off everything, locked the doors and looked at the clock; it was only 9pm and the night was young. I was too tired to care and I would end up sleeping through the entire night, waking up before sunrise. On the day after Christmas I needed to get to my little retail sales job in the mall and I went out to start my old clunker, scrape the ice from the windows and get ready to leave when Todd stepped outside. He was standing there in a t-shirt and his underwear, he called out, “I called you, you didn’t answer!” 

         “Sorry man, I crashed hard…” I finished clearing the frost from the windows, “I was sleeping!” 

         “You’ll have a long life…” he smiled, “You can afford to sleep…I can’t!”            “Well get some sleep during the day today…” I tossed the ice scraper into the car, “I’ll be home by about 4 or so…let’s jam again!” 

          “Okay.” Todd shivered, like he just realized how cold it was, he laughed, “See you later, dude!”

Todd stands next to Davy and I...1977

Todd was right, he didn’t live to see 22 years old, he died in a carbon dioxide poisoning accident in July of ’79; we were only 17 years old. In the many years since that last Yuletide Moon I did accomplish most of the things I thought I would over the past 38 years…I am an author, a writer/artist…although I don’t play professionally, I still thrive on playing my music, I still write songs from time to time…I also did make it back to California, a couple of time in fact…I lived in L.A. during the early 1980’s and since June of 2014 my wife, kids and I relocated to Northern California, I don’t plan to move away again. I have done a lot with my life, much of it because of Todd’s untimely demise; his sudden death caused me to believe that since a person can die at 17 years old, they can die at any time so I have lived every year of my life as it might be my last…and it might be…yet losing my best friend at such an impressionable age taught me to make the very most of my life. I made so much of my life sometimes it was almost as if I was trying to live enough for two people! I still think of Todd, especially in December but I’m long past that mournful, sad and painful process…when I think of him now it’s nothing but fond, happy “when we were kids” kinds of memories and feelings. He was my best friend, he was my soul brother and I miss him but I’m so very Grateful for the youthful follies we shared together so long ago. I got a new best friend several years later, we’re still best friends 30 years on now and that hole where Todd was has grown in with Love and Peace.

Happy X-Mas 2015...

As the Yuletide Moon passes over you and yours this holiday, please accept my best wishes for a peaceful, very happy and safe holiday…may your days be filled with Love, Fun, Music, Food, Wine and Gifts of the Heart and Soul…Happy X-Mas 2015!

Tales Préférées

This is a “Best of…” article, I’ve selected my favorite 10 articles and presenting them with a little insight as to why each story is my favorite…for the sake of simplicity, these are organized from the oldest to the most current articles. I hope you like this and get a sense of my entire blog serial by tasting these ten articles!

So, without further d’Lay…here’s my favorite ten!

Get 50% off at dphilipchalmers.net

The first article happens to be the first article in the blog “The Introduction…” and I like it because, aside from being from the book “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…”, I think it’s an excellent opening article which truly befits this blog’s intentions…so here it is, "The Introduction"

Valerie born on 11/18/1983

The next one I’d like to share is from November of 2014, an article to remember my late daughter on what would have been her 31^st birthday…This also contains an excerpt from the book but my favorite part is the bit after the excerpt where I’m sort of “shooting the shit” about the issue…I like the raw feeling elements and you might too in "Its'All About A Girl..."

A "Point of View (POV)" not a selfie!

My next favorite article was the first one I wrote in 2015, on January 6^th and it’s a popular one which I think is STILL RELEVANT…it’s a good thing to ponder. I wrote this piece because of the number of people who take selfies of themselves, posting them endlessly and always, always looking for some kind of validation. “See me here! See me there! Look at me eat! I’m with this person you don’t know, but isn’t it great!” and on and on, a stream of silly faces, shameless mugs and pucker-up cute poses that serve no real purpose. After writing this article, over the course of 2015 there were 12 people who died as a direct result of taking selfies…12 people, that’s more people who’ve died than from shark attacks (8) or marijuana consumption (0)! I hope you dig "The War on Selfies!"

Ann "Sunshine Daydream" Coulter

The next pair of articles sort of go together and are part of a longer series of articles that centered around The Grateful Dead’s final shows in Santa Clara and Chicago this past summer…the first article is a parody piece regarding right-wing neo conservative author Ann Coulter’s claim to be a Deadhead, last summer, in fact…EVERYBODY said they were a Deadhead! This article also stands as the most read article in this blog and the most controversial, it pissed off both the left and the right! I hope you like "Ann Coulter Exposed!" but the next article, "Stories of Our Own...My Last Grateful Dead Show!" is about exactly just that…my very last Grateful Dead show, June 27, 2015! I’m including this story for purely sentimental reasons because ‘15 will forevermore stand as the last time I saw the remnants of The Grateful Dead perform live!

The Grateful Dead in Santa Clara, California on June 27, 2015...My Last Show Ever.

The Greatest Commodity is Time...

The next article is from 20 July of 2015 and I like it because it’s a well written, thoughtful article and pin points where my feelings for not enjoying my on-line experiences starts. As you may know, I’ve developed something of a “love/hate” relationship with my on-line activities, an issue I’ve been struggling with for the last part of this year and this article is a telling clue about why I’m feeling the way I do lately. I think it’s clever and I hope you do too, please enjoy "Time is Money; THE BIG LIE!"

One of the issues I rally behind...

In "TheyJust Don't Get It", an article published on 29 July 2015, I tell a story about a heated interaction I had while promoting the book last summer; at the time it also marked the largest single day sales of the book. I like this because I like the memory, although at the time it really pissed me off! At this gathering of business people, 90% of the white, conservatives I had an intense exchange about the minimum wage and marijuana! It got loud, there were business dudes yelling at me, their faces getting beet red as if their ties were tightly tied around their narrow-minded necks! It was a fiery deliberation and truthfully, I lost about a half dozen events as a result of this loud and rude event, but it was worth it! I still like the memory, this story captures the feelings well and that’s why it’s included in this top ten list!

I hate my smartphone...

I like "Fear and Loathing in The Palm of Your Hand" because of the message I was trying to convey…there’s too much #fearporn everywhere, do we really need it in the palm of our hands too? Although this article did not garner the attention I hoped, I think it’s an important idea and something I’ll probably further explore in future work.

Passion and Desire in Summer

Not all of my articles are about the book or other “serious” subjects, this article, "BlogArticle #69", is about pure sexual expression and the desires I have for someone…it’s my way to share this “forbidden” feelings aloud. I did manage to capture the attention of a certain someone with this article, that was the goal but DON’T READ THIS if you are easily offended by sexual content!

I'm meditating on a roof in North Carolina in '84

"LeggoMy Ego" made this list because not only did it seem to make a positive difference for other people, but my mother said it’s her favorite article in this blog serial (and believe me, she reads ALL of them)! I try to explain the importance and benefits I find in meditation, again related directly to the book “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…” (I talk about meditation’s role in my recovery).

Mozzie the one eye rat dog and me in November, '15

So there you have the ten stories I most prefer from “TheBiPolar Reality Dispatch” series of articles…I hope you like them and they guide you to other articles in this blog or perhaps my books, my website (www.dphilipchalmers.net) or my next blog serial series!

There are two more articles to this complete this series, next week is a “Christmas” story of sorts and then the final article will post on the last day of 2015, Thursday 31 December which borrows a tile from a Paul McCartney song of the same name “The End of The End” and then, who knows when you’ll find me on-line again!

The Fowler Farm Estate in August of 2014

Before I go today (Friday, 18 December) I've some other news too; we had an upsetting event happen regarding our place of residence. Since relocating to California, in June of '14, we leased this old farmhouse on the edge of the Modesto area. It's a quaint old building, built in 1907 by one of Modesto/Ceres founding families (The Fowlers), it was originally the house where the foreman lived but in the 1990s the family sold the last of the land to the village and several ticky-tacky housing subdivisions, elementary schools and strip shopping centers have sprouted up all around the former peach and citrus orchards. The lone farmhouse remained on a large lot, still in tact and provided ample space, some privacy and a bit of charm.

The farmhouse on 18 December 2015...

In 2007 the original owners (Fowler), finally sold the old farmhouse but the property was flipped several times until it fell into complete disrepair when the present owner (Gilberto from Portugal) purchased it in 2014. We are his first tenants since he fixed up the house and it was clear to us that he planned to eventually build several more houses on the remaining open land...we have a month-to-month agreement with the understanding that he may decide to demolish the old farmhouse and if so, he would serve us 60 days notice...we got that notice this past Monday. We need to move, relocate to some place else by February 1st and so, as we glide through the holiday, we're doing some research and scouting for a new place to live. Presently our options are wide open, we can go about any place we want but we're staying in California! We don't much care for the Modesto area...actually the best thing about Modesto is that it's NOT Stockton! The coastal communities are too expensive, congested and not really my scene but the mountains are too remote for the wife's career and the kid's socialization/education and such...we did like Sacramento so we're going for another visit soon, I know some people in Santa Rosa who think we'd like it there too, so I guess we'll see...but since we've got to move, we're gonna get the hell out of Modesto and The San Joaquin basin now!

So my friends, please stay tuned for the next couple of articles, be sure to subscribe to stay in touch and we’ll see you next week!