Leggo My Ego

I have been practicing the art of meditation for the better part of 30 years, but in the last half dozen years or so, I’ve gotten pretty good at it…I actually have become so good at it that I’m convinced the first 25 years or so I was doing it all wrong! When I started to practice, I was maybe 22 years old, I got nearly all my information and how-to know how from books. I read dozens of titles, articles, went to a couple of seminars and even attended a meditation weekend retreat with a swami like guru named Gary. I thought I was getting it, especially after continuing for the first year or two, I thought I nailed that art and there was nothing to it…that much is true, there is nothing to it, but not in the way I thought I knew it, not in the way I know it to be now…I was meditating from my ego, a bad habit which I continued to do for many years that ultimately prevented me from experiencing what meditation truly is or could be…like religion preventing one from having a spiritual experience, the ego prevents one from having a meditative experience. The ego has rules and parameters, the ego has boundaries and limitations…all elements which are contrary to the meditative experiences. But I didn’t know better, nobody corrected me (nor did I seek outside help) and so until I was almost 40 years old, on the relatively few times I meditated (perhaps 2-3 times a month), I wasn’t doing as much good for myself as I imagined I was; consequently when it came time me to really depend on the practice, I was inept, I could not mediate and as a result, I got nothing from meditation. Again, that’s the idea too, but I didn’t understand the difference so that time I spent meditating was, more or less, just time resting my eyes and mind a little but not much else…not really meditation.

d'Philip meditating in 1983...

These days I’ve been practicing the art of meditation at least once and as many as three times daily. I start everyday with a session, my day doesn’t start until I have my morning meditation. It’s my favorite one of the day, I make the most from this session and it’s more important than coffee to me…that’s right, I said MORE IMPORTANT than coffee, so you know, it’s serious shit in my world! I have such trouble telling about this daily experience, it’s like having some kind of cosmic orgasm right when I wake up, it’s like harness the energies of my dreams and rest and laser focusing them in my mind…sometime I get nothing from this morning session, which is the goal, and I have a great day. Sometimes I have insights and flashes of wisdom or something, I’ll have a confused day. Sometimes it’s the other way around too, I can never tell but I just do it anyway. It’s a habit, it’s what I need to do every day to feel okay with myself, with my ability to cope every day. I think the most important element is that I do it not for my self, but in spite of my self, in spite of my ego. I like to think I have control, I like to think I can think through any or every situation; this practice daily reminds me, I do not, I cannot and I will not be able to control anything but myself, if I’m fortunate, I can control my self, I can keep my ego in check.

The most noticeable thing which happened for me when I lost my ego was the ability to happy…with about anything. Ego holds a lot of expectations, my experience has been that my ego was always telling me that once something happens, everything will be alright. When I got that new bass guitar, I will be a better player. When I get that nicer car, I’ll go further. Except that’s all lies, that’s all bullshit…nothing changes when you expect the change to come from something/anything outside the self…all happiness is rooted in Love, in the self, not the ego. Other negative feelings come from my ego too…envy, anger and shame…fear is rooted my ego, my self-image is even rooted in my ego so once I was able to detach and free myself from my ego, almost anything can happen and it won’t really impact me so negatively…it is NOT about me, not about MY ego…it’s about the external world, it’s about other people’s ego but not me, not mine. Once I lost my ego, the meaning of fearless took on a whole new dimension…I don’t depend on money, career goals, material things for my happiness, only me.

An unexpected result of this loss of ego is that I truly have no regrets…almost no regrets, no new regrets that’s for sure because I do what I think now, I say what I believe, how I feel and when you do that, you start living in the moment and there’s no time to regret anything past or future because neither the past nor the future ever exist. I’m also more honest than I ever was…I still don’t use filters (most often by choice), I’m rather blunt, candid and I still open mouth and insert foot sometimes…but at least I’m completely honest about that fact; I might misspeak something, but at least I’m misspeaking the truth. The best thing, also unexpected from losing my ego is the fact that I finally, after over a half century spinning on this rock, I am actually truly being myself. I am 100% authentic, nothing about me is not a whole part of me…no need to pretend I’m anything I’m not and no fear to be anything I can imagine. This is part of what I was writing about last week…finding my voice, my own voice…this is a direct result of my ability to finally lose my ego.

d'Philip eating the sun in 2014...

With all that being said, it almost seems contrary to also consider the kind of reactions, communications and relationships I’ve had with others who have often attacked my ego. The bottom line, the truth of the matter is that these days I don’t care about the things other people say to me, more accurately, what other people say about me. Fuck that, I simply don’t care. In the past it was something which crippled me (evidence that I was not meditating correctly originally), I cared about what others thought of me or my work or my lovers or whatever…it somehow mattered to me and if I didn’t get the approval I was seeking, it crushed me (but I rarely showed it). I was told at a young age that I needed to have “thick skin” and this was advice I heeded and respected. I got really good at it too, like water on the duck’s back, everything simply rolled off me, bounced around the room and I didn’t let it affect me; the truth is, it did affect me profoundly I just didn’t show it on the outside. In recent times, this is absolute truth, there is no approval I seek outside of myself. If I can live with myself, if I am happy with my choices then there is nothing else I need or can do to make it any better. That doesn’t stop the attacks, my ability to transcend the matter does not stem the tides of criticisms or scrutiny I get from a variety of sources but I deal with them a lot better because I don’t hold onto my ego, it’s not anything personal for me rather it’s a matter of others who cannot deal with their ego…since they can’t control their own ego, I imagine, they are trying to control the ego of others. That may or not be true, but it works for me.

d'Philip on stage in 2013...

I am a very confident person, I always have been and for a while, it made me rather arrogant and aloof. In my casual observations the most successful artists had to have the biggest ego, it has to be so big to deal with the competition and struggles of making it to the big time. In my actual experiences, however, it’s not about having a big ego but more like no ego that keeps an artist successful. The definition of success has changed also, it’s not about the fortune & fame, not about the legacy you leave or the number of units you’ve sold; that is not success. Success is staying happily alive, success is having the ability to give and feel Love, success is living to a triple digit age with no health issues and dying in your sleep after the best wet dream ever! The lack of ego, losing the ego, letting go of my ego is what has changed for me. I could say that I couldn’t be any happier but that would be like saying I couldn’t be any older; I could say I’m happy, but I can be happier but that’s like saying the moon is round, but it could always be rounder; it’s just absurd, the notion of happiness is, that’s all…it just is.

And if you’re not happy with that, it’s your ego not mine which makes it so…be well!