Was That The Last Time?

My mom and my daughter...Two Margarets!

   “This is a very nice area, have you guys looked in this area at all?” mom was looking at the bustling enclave of Pleasanton, California as we were speeding down the freeway towards Oakland International Airport. It had been a week long visit that went by way too fast, I was at the wheel as we shared a final couple hours together alone. I was about to answer mom when she spied a road side sign, “Oh, it’s Pleasanton, how nice…Pleasanton.”
   “It’s a bit pricey, but yeah I would consider this area too…” I noticed the BART station up the road and added, “I could take public transport to San Francisco from here, but there’s not a rentals here and the ones I’ve seen are outrageous.”
   “Well, I know how much you don’t like the area you’re at, it’s not your kind of town.” Mom always knew me best, she added, “Or get yourselves out to Sonora or the mountains…Monterey was very nice, but that’s expensive, right?”
    “Anywhere along the coast is costly, I’m more into the mountains…”
    “Oh my mountain man, that’s who you’ve always been, my little mountain man!” mom chuckled and brushed my trimmed beard, “My Jerimiah Johnson…do you remember that movie?”
   “We have it on DVD…” I smiled, “I remember when you and me went to see it…for our birthday, my 11th birthday…right after we moved to Arlington Heights, remember?”
   “You were always the best person to see a movie with, do you know that?” mom sighed and looked out the window. There had been a slight amount of rain so the roads were wet and the wipers were on to provide a steady backbeat for our conversation, “You always liked a good story.”
   “I am a writer, mom…yeah, I like stories.”
   “You know, you are exactly the kind of man I hoped you’d be…” mom smiled at me as I shot her a sideways glance, she continued, “…well, not what I pictured you’d become, but you’re such a good man, son…I am so proud of who you have become, I Love You.”
   “Aww, mom, don’t…” I sniffed, “I’m driving, I can’t cry now!”
   “No! Keep your hands on the wheel, your eyes on the road!” mom mocked yelled and added, “I mean, you didn’t become…how do I say this…?”
   “I didn’t become President?” my mother had told me since I was a little boy, since the day after JFK got his head blown off, my mother always said things about how I could be president, I should be president. There was even a point when I think she wanted to “mold me” into the role or something, but that proved to be my own Manchurian Candidate skewed imagination. I laughed, “I’ve been thinking I stand as good a chance as anyone these days!”
   “That’s for sure…” mom huffed a chuckled and explained, “I thought you were going to be a lawyer, maybe a doctor…but you would be a lawyer for justice, you would be a defender of truth and use the laws to make the world a better place…if you were a doctor, I hoped you would have compassion and mercy, I would have wanted you to help everyone, regardless of who they were…but you became you…”
   “Whatever that is, I don’t know!” I interrupted the heavy dialogue with a laugh, “I just became a madman on spelling spree!”
   “But you are also all those things I hoped you’d be too…” mom put a tender hand on my wrist as I gripped the stick shift and navigated us safely through the increasing traffic flow of Castro Valley and the Greater Oakland metropolitan area, “You are a defender of truth, you do practice justice, compassion…you show mercy, you’re strong and smart…you’re always first to help others…even when you’re in no position to help, honey…you have become more of a man than I hoped you could be!”
   “Ohhh, mommy…” I had tears welling up and that’s not an advisable thing when getting into Oakland traffic, “Thank you, please stop…I’m going to cry!”
    “Well, you’re still a bit of a prick too!” mom snapped with a laugh, she’s always blunt and doesn’t hold any punches. That’s where I get it from, she continued, “Your kids are wonderful, son…they’re beautiful, smart, kind and you are a great father, both of you are really good parents and I am so lucky to have such a good family, such a loving and close family. Remember that son, nothing is closer to God than Family, nothing at all…ever.”
   “I know mom, thank you…” we split from the freeway to a three lane exit ramp towards Oakland International, “This week has gone by way too fast…thank you for coming out here, I know it’s not easy.”
   “Are you kidding?” mom gave me a mock punch in the arm, “Coming out here was easy, the leaving is hard! I’m glad you are my son, d’Philip, you know that, don’t you?”
   “I know, I couldn’t have a better mother, mom.”
    “I have to pee.” Mom burst into a Mary Tyler Moore sized laugh and grabbed the side of the door, “Now, I have to pee, now!”
    “Okay, okay…” I swerved again and slipped off the freeway a couple of exits before the airport. We pulled into the parking lot a Denny’s and mom suggested we breakfast here, we were three hours early for her afternoon flight, I smiled “You know me too well, mom…Denny’s is my favorite!”

My daughter, my mother and I...

     Hours later, after the long tough drive back to The San Joaquin Valley, after rounding up the rest of the family at various locations, when I finally got home around the 17th hour of the day, I was dead tired and wasted. I had a bagel, a tall glass of water, plugged my dead battery phone into the charger and took myself a much needed siesta…in my own bed. I have been displaced since mom came to visit, everyone was playing musical beds so that my mother could have the private bathroom attached to our daughter’s room as well as the most comfortable mattress…besides our new king size bed. I fell fast asleep, quickly immersed in a dream. It wasn’t a good dream, it was a sad dream. I had a dream about my mother’s passing, not her actual death or the horrific ceremonies that follow a death, but it was years after she had passed and I was walking in the woods. I was on a hike, I felt like I do now, not any older and it felt like I was in a humid climate, air thick with moisture. I was using the walking stick I had (I don’t have one yet) to step up some moss covered rocks and when I got to the top of the heap, I took a seat to overlook the forest and valley below. I could see a lake in the distance, the sky was a big, bold blue and the sun felt warm. I was sitting in silence, listening to nature like I enjoy doing and I heard a voice in the gentle breeze. It was my mother, she was saying something I couldn’t understand and in this dream, I stood up and looked around, as if I might see her too. I only heard her, in the gentle breeze, I heard her say “Just remember the last time…I told you the last time we were together.”

My son, my mother and I...

Then I woke up. It was somewhere just past the 04:00 hour, the day after I took my mother to the airport and I was sweating. My breath, heaving and huffing like I ran another marathon, caught me by surprise and I leaped out of bed with a frightening feeling. I checked my phone, my mother called around 22:30, she left a message saying she made it home safely and thanking me for a wonderful trip; she was thanking me, how incredible, it was all her doing! I put a leash on the dog and went for a pre-dawn walk around the neighborhood, the California stars shine overhead and an old saying my mother used to say came to mind…”When it rains, look for the rainbow and when it’s dark, find the stars.” That somehow made me feel better, I found the stars in that black, deep, dark sky. I got back home, did the rest of my morning routines…meditation, exercise, a hot massage shower, got dressed and then motivated the rest of my family to start their day…finally a Friday. Once my duties were done, after I got back to the safe confines of my farmhouse office, I called mom back. We spoke for almost an hour, even though we just saw one another the day before, we talked like it had been ages. It was a great conversation and towards the end of it I thought about asking mom if we’d ever see one another again, but I didn’t, I kept that thought to myself. Some things are best left unsaid.

Mom and The Kids...

I don’t know if that was the last time I’d see my mother, I certainly hope it’s not but I know she’ll never come to our home again, she’ll never visit me again because, at nearly 80 years old, with only one lung and increasingly more painful arthritis, her traveling days are very numbered. My mom is also a notorious keeper of secrets, if there is anything wrong with her, I won’t hear about it from her. She wouldn’t want to worry me and she knows I would worry. Mothers are like that, I suppose, they wear that brave face for the sake of their children…even when the children are a half century old like me! I’ve already been thinking about a visit to Arkansas. Our daughter has expressed a desire to travel there next summer, I have been considering the notion also…I miss The Natural States but more than that, I miss my mommy.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

dphilipchalmers.net

Today is a day of catch-up for me, I have several things dangling from this past week which I need to wrap up. I am working on the final touches for this article I started last June about mental illness and the healing powers of music, the final deadline is next Wednesday. I won’t have a problem completing it today, I’ll send it first thing Monday morning. I have another seminar next week, on the 8th in Stockton and an interview to tape with iHeart Radio on the 16th in Modesto. I’m also planning on releasing an audio book version of “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…” and I’ve started the pre-production process already. There is a lot to keep me busy today, this weekend and well into next week but truthfully, selfishly…all I want to do today is be lazy. I’m willing to do some minor house chores, catch up on laundry but I really need some time to please myself…so, I guess, we’ll see where this day might lead.

I do indeed hope everyone has a great Friday, doing whatever you’re doing today and I’ll be around I’m sure…so if you need me, I suggest you dial my digits because I’m not sure I’ll be spending too much time here on-line. This weekend is low key and the weather is finally cooling off for a spell. I’m thinking that over the next so many weeks, as my obligations to promote “My BiPolar Reality…” end, I’m going to do what any good theater company does in between productions, I’m going to go dark. But that’s not until after the holidays, so why do I mention it now? Never mind, I’m here and so are you, let’s have some fun, cool? I am Grateful for your time in reading this and I hope all things in your world are going well…please take care, have good health, be cool and stay safe!

Peace,
d'Philip
02 October 2015
The San Joaquin Valley
Republic of California
Earth