There are typically two time of year which are the worse for me…November and April. I have painful memories attached to both these months and there are times when all the therapy, all the medications, meditations and prayers just don’t fucking help…it’s been that way for me this past April. It’s surprising really, knowing the patterns of my life so well, it’s more likely my depression in November extends into the end of December some years, but never in April, in April I start getting bummed out in the end of March but by May Day, the first of May I’m starting to feel great…it’s the beginning of the more positive, productive and promising time of year for me…I flourish in the summer seasons! Not this year, however, for the first time since 2008 my April blues have been languishing longer, bringing me down when I want to feel better…but I can’t, somehow, I just can’t seem to break on through to the other side! The biggest differences between this year and recent years is significant and at times, over whelming; we relocated from Chicago to The San Joaquin Valley in The Republic of California, I have been trying to promote my new book with limited resources, support or success and I fucking miss my other kids…Valerie, who died on April 16, 2001 and Cassidy, my golden boy son from my second marriage, he’ll be 25 years old this June but I don’t know when we’ll be together again (life and all that). That’s what’s different this year, the weight of missing those children in my life, it makes me feel imbalanced. This imbalance, in turn, complicates and impacts my ability to promote my book effectively which results, naturally, in dismal sales and that only contributes my inner voice’s constant yapping about how I’m not really good enough at all…it’s a catch-22, vicious cycle and the only one who can end it, I know, is me!
So why haven’t I ended it, d’Philip, you know the root, the solution and you can fix it, why have you not done this yet? Impaired, perhaps…but it’s a heavy matter, a very large stone in the path of progress. I think, after meditating for a few days…a stone is worn down drip by drip. These drips, they are literal and figurative because they are found in the endless stream of tears I pour across my pillow top and they are in the silent moments I contemplate the chirping birds on the telephone line in the morning dawn. Patience, peaceful rest and poetry in the motion of life’s continuum. This stone, this heavy subject, this emotional object in the path of my progress, it will move drip by drip because the path will grow so wet, the ground will shift and the stone will simply roll away. I find bliss in the knowledge that once that stone rolls itself away, it will not be in my path again. I the meanwhile, I have much to still be Grateful for and I’m keeping myself occupied with lots of smiles and quite time with the family. I take walks at dawn, breathing in as much hope as I can and come the end of every day, I exhale all the crap I built up, made up, got fed up with and was dealt with for the day.
In Life, Man Plan and God Laughs, things rarely go exactly according to plan and those who have the most success, it seems, are those who can go with the flow of Life’s every moving, evolving continuum…Surfing on The wave of Perspective was the name of a song I co-wrote with Dave Sale when we were 25 years old and it’s still true, for me, today…Life is about riding that crest, that curl on the verge of motion and change…but sometimes, no, all the time…one eventual succumbs the waves crashing on the beach. Crash, tumble, spinning underwater until bobbing up again, your head emerges from the surface of the water, you spin around, searching for the safety of the shore. Then you swim, you swim and you swim and again, when the ride wave comes along…when you find the correct perspective, you ride that for all it’s worth, if not for the thrill but to simply know you are indeed, still alive!
In closing, I’ve been remiss this past couple of weeks and not posted my regular Monday article, this will change, I hope by next week. In the meanwhile, truthfully, I am feeling worn down and a little bummed out about the way the “live performance presentations” have worked out recently. I have a speaking engagement at church in San Jose tomorrow night, for example, it’s an unpaid gig but with the opportunity to sell a few books in person. San Jose is about 90 minutes from our abode, it’s a dense urban environment which limits me because I have trouble driving in dense traffic (PTSD thing). The last three times I spoke to a church group, it was not good. At one of the meetings they seemed to try and convert me, debating that I don’t have a mental illness, I just don’t have enough Jesus in me! You can imagine how that one ended, but the other two were poorly attended (11 people total at both gigs) and I did not sell one single book at any of the church functions. I am considering cancelling the gig for tomorrow in lieu of something, anything else to do…like laundry.
I have been pitching the “Big Concept” to several potential investors and in a week or so I have another couple of similar meetings. They have gone well, I think I am going to get funding, but it’s a long process and requires time and patience. In the meanwhile, it’s April 42nd and I’m waiting for the emotional tides to turn so I can again feel more hopeful, optimistic and energized. I have enjoyed making these little PSA video clips, one each day (almost) and I’m going to create another one this evening. For now, it’s midday and I’ve been out of bed since about 05:00…I didn’t go to bed until half past two, so I’m low energy. A siesta, perhaps, as well, I read an article about how napping improves memory fivefold, so that’s my action plan for the time being. I’ll be sure post another video later and in the meanwhile, SAVE $10 ON “My BiPolar Reality; How Life Goes On…” at www.dphilipchalmers.net
Take care, be well and stay safe!
Peace,
d’Philip
The San Joaquin Valley
Republic of California
Earth
